Uncle Reggie's Pantyhose

Uncle Reggie was a sheep farmer who lived in Ottawa Wore knickers in his living room & ate whole onions raw He feared God & God feared him he went to Sunday mass He even had the Ten Commandments tattooed on his ass

But he loved to sing the opera now is that such a sin His son would dress up like a nurse & feed him shots of gin But he loved to dance the ballet shove carrots up his nose He wore a shiny push up bra & crotchless pantyhose

Now Reggie had just one main goal ever since he was a kid He wanted to join the Elks Lodge so he put in his bid Well they held him under a microscope & they declared him fit If they knew of his affliction lord they sure'd shit

But he loved to sing the opera now is that such a sin He spiked his hair & dyed it orange & guzzled pints of gin & he damn sure'd dance the ballet shove carrots up his nose Wore a garter made of cheetos extra crunchy I suppose

Now Reggie had his cousin Earl come out from Illinois To visit with the young ones he brought them Tonka toys But little did the little ones know how little Earl they know Of Reggie's wild little maiden dance till they took him to the nightly show

& he damn sure sang the opera now is that such a sin His son chased him in a Tonka truck all loaded up with gin But he loved to dance the ballet shoved carrots up his nose Earl fainted when he saw Ol' Reggie's pantyhose

Now when Earl came to he grabbed his kids went back to Illinois Well he left in such a hurry he forgot the Tonka toys But he grabbed a pair of high heels picked some carrots for his nose & when Earl got home he did try on uncle Reggie's pantyhose

& he learned to sing the opera now is that such a sin His son dressed up like Injun's & they scalped him full of gin & he damn sure danced the ballet shoved carrots up his nose Underneath his suit at the Elks Lodge he wore Reggie's pantyhose

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© Steve Poltz